It’s back. Oh yes… I remember…


This had all gone a bit cosy.

Upbeat blogs laced with tentative optimism.

Then, all of a sudden, last weekend  MS was back, whipped up from these benign conditions like a prairie storm. Snarling, snapping and biting…. yanking furiously at its tether, spitting and evil, fangs bared and razor sharp claws unsheathed. I’d forgotten that it packed such “mean” ferocity.

The outlook of blue skies had briefly showed the smallest hint of a warning sign, a minor head cold, before – !bang! – a relapse was upon me before I’d had time to suspect it.

It seemed to affect my left-hand side the worst. My wife and I looked at my strangely curled/dropped left foot which I could no longer straighten; my left hand became all clumsy and fumbling; and the buzz of pins and needles burst into something much angrier down both legs and arms. I worried that focus in my eyes seems to be confused again… but thankfully this symptom seemed short-lived and disappeared after a night’s sleep.

So MS was reminding me – a click of its fingers is all it takes. Once again I felt like its puppet and plaything, on my knees to its strength as it selected which symptoms to activate from its own pick’n’mix sweetshop.

Exasperated; angry; upset… tired.

Growing hopes that my Lemtrada treatment might be putting off these flare-ups now seem misguided.

MS, my savage friend, needs once again to be calmed back down. Maybe he’s striking out in fear – like a panicked and wounded animal; but maybe he’s just a symptom of my mis-firing immune system and feels no more fear than a comet in the sky or pebble on a beach.

I re-read a blog I wrote last year: “bounce-back-ability”.

Give me strength: bowed but not broken. MS certainly is a mean task-master – but when this relapse is over, I am going to get out on my bike and put him back in his box.

I don’t want to stop coming back for more…. MS, you hide in the shadow; I’m staying here in the light.



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