I have found the last 6 weeks, post-Lemtrada, pretty hard.
I’ve been struggling with vertigo, a deep-seated fatigue and general malaise.
I very much acknowledge that, in some ways, I was probably not making things easy for myself: I couldn’t come to peace with my new predicament. I burned with frustrations and cabin fever; and I couldn’t resist over-doing things when I felt ok. Although I acknowledged these flaws, I failed to compensate for them and couldn’t seem to alter my emotions or behaviours. The fact that I couldn’t even change those things within my power makes me feel a bit embarrassed – and full of fuss.
My head knew that I was still alive and well; happy, with my two healthy children. My spirit, though, felt angry and battling, reeling in a fight.
Then, on Monday this week, I got out of bed and for the first time in over a month, I didn’t immediately have to pause for my legs and arms to stop shaking with spasms. I walked to the bathroom, and for the first time in over a month, I didn’t immediately feel awash with vertigo. I commuted into Bristol and, just about, did half a day’s work (although this was cut-short at lunchtime by a knock-out bout of vertigo worthy of Tyson Fury).
On Tuesday, I took my winter bike around some of the local canal paths. My vision was disorientating, and I felt dizzy and tired. But this counted as a bike ride. (In the rain). I had so missed fresh air.
On Thursday, I cycled up a hill for the first time in many weeks. I might have felt as weak as a kitten – but this was how things will get re-started.
Fast forward to today, Saturday. I’ve now got a full day’s work under my belt; and I’m contemplating the start-line (maybe the ride?) for tomorrow’s charity bike ride with my club, Bristol South.
I’ve had a few more glitches – I (embarrassingly) completely lost my balance at work as I stepped out of a lift; and vertigo continues to kick-in from time to time during innocent conversations… so I’m not “back”. Not yet. But it now feels as though I’m on the right road. As soon as I was able to get out on a bike again, my mood changed. My spirit improved almost immediately and I could feel my “internal engine” kicking into gear again. I feel as though my will; my hopes; and my optimism have returned. In the absence of being able to walk (let alone jog or run), this is why cycling has become so important to me.
My life-force.
Last night I booked us family tickets for the new Star Wars film.
“The Force Awakens” indeed.
Game on, 2016. Full of “A New Hope”.
Good job. Keep pedaling. I’ve only had MS for a year, but I’ve been cycling as an adult for more than twenty, so cycling wins. I’ve been able to commute to work about three days a week, even in the cold weather, and it is a life saver. Way to go!
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